Confessions
by ncisabbylover
Summary: Post 7x10. After the day he's had, being surrounded by that much noise and that many people is the last thing Deeks feels ready to handle. Instead of meeting Kensi at the bar, he heads back to her place.


He exits the mission shortly after Hetty leaves him on the stairs, his mind still swirling in a distracting and dizzying mess. He knows he has to call his mom and he knows he has to talk to Kensi but right now, after the 48 hours he's had, he'd rather just climb into bed and try to let his mind settle. That's not really a possibility for him right now though. His house is probably still trashed from the search, despite his mother staying there, which is yet another reason home is one of the last places he can go right now. And Kensi is at the bar, grabbing a drink with the guys and he knows that if he doesn't show up soon she'll start to worry. He just can't face that many people right now though, not with this much confusion and sleep deprivation clouding his brain. So, with the ghost of her kiss still lingering on his cheek and the whispered 'I love you's' she'd pressed into his neck still echoing in his ears, he sends her a text and jumps in his truck.

Kensi's phone buzzes in her pocket as she laughs at yet another joke Sam has made at Callen's expense. The text is short and simple.

 _Long day. Tired. See you when you get home._

She stands from the table, not bothering to make any kind of poorly veiled lie as to where she's going. They all know anyway.

"Deeks went home." That's all she says — all she needs to say — and she's in her car heading home.

When she opens the door to her apartment she's less than surprised to find Deeks passed out on her couch. It really has been a long few days — neither of them have slept, they've barely eaten, and Deeks took quite a few hits today, which she isn't overly impressed about. She silently pads past him to the kitchen, placing her bag down on the table and opening the fridge. She smiles when she sees the foil from the casserole ripped back and several large forkfuls taken from the dish. Fixing herself a glass of water and a nutella sandwich, Kensi grabs an icepack from the freezer and moves back into the living room.

Deeks is still out to the world but he moves to accommodate her when she sits at his hip on her small couch, one hand finding purchase in her shirt as his body shuffles back against the couch cushions to give her room. Taking a full bite of her sandwich, she takes the icepack in hand and gently presses it against her boyfriend's face. He startles slightly, his hand winding tighter in her shirt, before his eyes open and the tension in his body releases as he realises where he is.

"Hey." He mumbles, loosening his grip so his hand can run under the fabric to the warm skin of her waist.

"Hey." Kensi whispers back, the hand not holding the ice pack placing the sandwich down and reaching up to brush at the hair flopped over his forehead.

Scrunching his eyes closed for a moment, he lets his girlfriend care for him before reaching up to pull the ice pack away as he raises himself up to sit.

"Lay back down. Or come to bed. It's been a long day babe."

"I've got to talk to you, tell you some things." And suddenly it feels like the words are lighting fires in his body, if he doesn't get them out they'll burn him from the inside out.

"Sh, it can wait. We have the day off tomorrow. Right now you need to sleep. We both do."

"It can't wait." He's standing then, ice pack forgotten on the couch, taking Kensi's hand and tugging her up with him as he leads her toward the kitchen. He sits in one of the dining chairs at the clutter-covered table and indicates for her to sit in the chair next to his. She sits and waits as he leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands and he breathes in a few deep breaths.

"Deeks?" Her hand reaches out to touch his shoulder, refusing to pull back when he flinches. "What's going on?"

"I, Kens…" He starts but stutters, sitting up straighter and causing her hand to fall from his back. He grabs it between both of his and kisses her knuckles gently. "I love you Kens. I love you so god damn much, but I've got to tell you some things that will change the way you see me and I just want you to know, I understand if this changes things between us."

"Deeks." It's a whispered plea and a word of comfort all at once.

"I did it. I was the one who killed Boyle." He refuses to meet her eye, afraid of the hurt and betrayal he'll see there.

"I know." She speaks the words softly but squeezes at his hands as they still encase her own.

"What?"

"After the conversation we had a few weeks ago and this IA investigation and the statement Tiffany gave, I put it together."

"Why are you still here?"

"Deeks, I love you but more than that I know you. I know the strength of your character, of your commitment and loyalty. You would never hurt someone, no matter how much of an asshole they are, without good reason."

"But,"

"No buts Marty. I know the man I love. I trust you. I never doubted you. You're a good man Marty Deeks."

It's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders. He can somehow breath again though he doesn't know when he stopped.

"There's something else." This time when he speaks he's looking up into her eyes.

"Hmm?"

"I want to join NCIS."

A smile breaks over her face that makes him almost retract the second part of his sentence but he knows he can't. "I want to join NCIS but I can't, not yet."

Her elation turns to confusion and he elaborates. "Years ago, a few moths after I worked that first case with you, Hetty offered me the papers to transfer. I didn't sign them then because, at the time, I thought being a cop defined who I was. That's not true anymore but I still can't sign those papers.

"I don't trust Hetty, I don't want to live in her debt. If I'm going to be an agent I want to make it on my terms through my own hard work. I'll go above her head to Granger, or hell, I'll go all the way to Director Vance if I have to but…"

"I understand." Kensi nods, bringing the back of her hand up to brush over his cheek, calming the rage that had started to build within him again. "I don't trust her either. She plays puppeteer. Should it come to it, one person in this relationship should have a job don't you think." Her shy, teasing smile says everything her words don't. She's not going anywhere, ever. The thought fills him with warmth but also regret, there's so much she deserves to know, so much he doesn't know if he could tell her. She sees his body sag again.

"Hey, no. Eyes back up here mister." Her fingers under his chin tilt his head up to meet her eyes. "You and me, we're good. Nothing's going to tear us apart." This time she leans in, pressing her forehead to his. "We've got the rest of our lives to tell each other our secrets and compare scars and wounds. It doesn't have to happen all at once. I trust you. I love you. Come to bed."

He stands when she tugs at his hands and lets her lead him into her bedroom. He lets her tend to him, stripping him from his clothes down to his boxers and tucking him into bed before she quickly changes into one of his shirts she's stolen for their rare nights apart. She climbs in beside him, facing him but not bridging the gap to touch him.

"Kens," Her name on his lips is a quiet request, reverently seeking one last scrap of reassurance from the goddess who has somehow deigned to love him despite everything.

She shuffles into him willingly, wrapping her arms around him just as tightly as his are around her. She tilts her head up and their lips meet and for just a moment the stress of the day and the secrets untold disappear. When they pull back, Kensi snuggles down into him, her lips against his shoulder.

"Not letting you go." She mumbles one final reassurance against his skin as the last 48 hours of sleeplessness catch up with her.

"I'm so glad." He murmurs back before following her into slumber.


End file.
